THE PANTS

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them
to your mother and said, 'Here try these on.' She did and said, 'These are
too big! I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will!'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.

He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,"Here try these
on.

" She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me.

" Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She
said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-*** attitude, you
never will."

^^^^^:laugh: :laugh:

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
This is your friend Stephen. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Stephen.


Stephen knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Stephen.

Stephen knew he could not send this letter to God either. He was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

His mother thought her plan had worked because Stephen looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Stephen walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.He began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 3:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*****ING BIKE.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St. Peter at the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.


"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

haha lol that's good:laugh:

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super
hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicbookland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really
want to take advant age of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove
off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the
Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.

"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor,
who's the best babe in Comicbookland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the
best lay in Comicbookland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she
had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw
Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs
apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to hims elf,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before
she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the
hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is
killing me."

^^ hehe

An oldie but goodie!
:agree:

:laugh: :agree:

Seniors Halloween:

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time
decided to
dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped
naked and
tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You
can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked
with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?" and he replies,
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a ****-tator.:laugh:

warning
 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from
any woman.Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer
is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs
only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with
horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly
victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
Golf Courses" in the phone book.

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an
elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old
lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.


Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted
home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you
for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and
always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never

let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her
radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces
It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to
mine, and I said "eff" you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

oh that's good :laugh: :laugh: :D :D

"SHOP CLASS"

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop
teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day
of school.

Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.
She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because
hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His
wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he
had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...
the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one heckuva time!"

THE INTERVIEW:

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a
prestigious job. They were from Harvard, MIT, Yale, and Texas A&M.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told
the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could
hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one
person.

He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a
final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the
same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one
hired.

All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?
The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be
a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant,
then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is
the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it
in an instant."
The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world
was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to
say electricity."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light
will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked,
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst
stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS ,
I crapped all over myself!!!!!"