Joke Thread.
 

I thought it might be a good idea to start a joke thread. Who doesn't need a good laugh at least once a day? :D

Here's a good one:


Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee. :laugh:

Ok, I'll bite...
 

Why can't you find elephants in the jungle?
















cos jungle is massive!!:agree:

What do you call a gay dinosuar?











Megasorearse!:confused: :laugh:

I know I sent this one to someone a long time ago :D

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

hehe nice ones

what do you call an omish guy with his hand in a horses A$$??










A Machanic:laugh:

:laugh:

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde
woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at
each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had
the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and
said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

>710<

OH WOW!!! I can see myself getting into trouble with this thread! :laugh: I mean, all the jokes I know are dirty!:o

Here's a SFW joke....

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."


If you want a really good laugh......Look at this one!
Chuck Norris

^^ :laugh:


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
Formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
Through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
See what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking At two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her Father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
Replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
Her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback mountain (expletive deleted) in our garden." :D

The Purina Diet
I have a dog. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.


Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

Nice thread. Although most of my jokes are not as clean as others.

Who here likes Bob and Tom? :laugh: HILARIOUS, if you've never heard of them, Check them out.

Here is a joke section on their website. http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/jokes1.htm Umm.. some are clean and some are not. :rolleyes:

:laugh: There are some awesome jokes on there!

This one is my favorite. I've heard it so many times but each time is just as funny as the 1st! :agree:

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, " Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping a man came up to him and said, " Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout counter he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his " barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, " When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady ( naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, " No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

^^^:laugh: :bawling: :laugh:

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

:laugh:

And Monty Python fans will rember this::agree:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
:laugh: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :eek:ARGGGGGGG!!!

Scientists in Italy have discovered that a large number of the male population there have a penis that is no larger in size than 3" or less. To clarify this the Canadian Government has asked that those with this condition identify themselves by displaying a red, white and green flag when driving their cars during the month July.

0 to 200 in 4 seconds
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.



He wanted a new truck.She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
range.



"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."



For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom
scale.

Health plan


A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local
hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating.
>>>"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
>>>"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
>>>In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing
oral sex on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"

>>>The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your
Mommy before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a
piece of ***."

THE PANTS

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them
to your mother and said, 'Here try these on.' She did and said, 'These are
too big! I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will!'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.

He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,"Here try these
on.

" She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me.

" Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She
said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-*** attitude, you
never will."

^^^^^:laugh: :laugh:

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
This is your friend Stephen. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Stephen.


Stephen knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Stephen.

Stephen knew he could not send this letter to God either. He was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

His mother thought her plan had worked because Stephen looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Stephen walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.He began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 3:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*****ING BIKE.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St. Peter at the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.


"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

haha lol that's good:laugh:

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super
hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicbookland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really
want to take advant age of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove
off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the
Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.

"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor,
who's the best babe in Comicbookland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the
best lay in Comicbookland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she
had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw
Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs
apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to hims elf,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before
she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the
hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is
killing me."

^^ hehe

An oldie but goodie!
:agree:

:laugh: :agree:

Seniors Halloween:

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time
decided to
dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped
naked and
tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You
can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked
with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?" and he replies,
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a ****-tator.:laugh:

warning
 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from
any woman.Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer
is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs
only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with
horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly
victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
Golf Courses" in the phone book.

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an
elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old
lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.


Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted
home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you
for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and
always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never

let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her
radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces
It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to
mine, and I said "eff" you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

oh that's good :laugh: :laugh: :D :D

"SHOP CLASS"

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop
teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day
of school.

Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.
She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because
hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His
wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he
had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...
the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one heckuva time!"

THE INTERVIEW:

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a
prestigious job. They were from Harvard, MIT, Yale, and Texas A&M.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told
the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could
hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one
person.

He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a
final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the
same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one
hired.

All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?
The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be
a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant,
then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is
the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it
in an instant."
The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world
was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to
say electricity."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light
will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked,
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst
stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS ,
I crapped all over myself!!!!!"

THE NERDS

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers near San
Jose, California stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a
big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds,
serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I
thought nerds were in season."

Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

When women drink....

1. We Have Absolutely No Idea Where Our Purse Is.
2. We Believe That Dancing With Our Arms Overhead And Wiggling Our Butt
While Yelling "woo-hoo!" Is Truly The Sexiest Dance Move Around.
3. We've Suddenly Decided We Want To Kick Someone's *** And Honestly
Believe We Can Do It.
4. On Our Last Trip To Pee, We Realize We Now Look More Like A Homeless
Hooker Than The Goddess We Were Just Four Hours Ago.
5. We Drop Our 3 AM Sandwich On The Floor (Which We're Eating Even Though We're Not The Least Bit Hungry), Pick It Up And Carry On Eating It.

6. We Start Crying And Telling Everyone We See That We Love Them Sooooo
Much.
7. We Get Extremely Excited And Jump Up And Down Every Time A New Song
Plays Because "Oh My God! We Love That Song!"
8. We've Found A Deeper/Spiritual Side To The Geek Sitting Next To Us.
9. The Man We're Flirting With Used To Be Our 5th Grade Teacher.
10. The Urge To Take Off Articles Of Clothing, Stand On A Table And Sing
Or Dance Becomes Strangely Overwhelming.
11. Our Eyes Just Don't Seem To Want To Stay Open On Their Own So We KeepThem Half Closed And Think It Looks Exotically Sexy.

12. We've Suddenly Taken Up Smoking And Become Really Good At It.
13. We Yell At The Bartender, Who (We Think) Cheated Us By Giving Us Just
Lemonade, But That's Just Because We Can No Longer Taste The Gin.
14. We Think We're In Bed, Even Though The Pillow Feels Strangely Like
The Kitchen Floor.
15. We Start Every Conversation With A Booming, "Don't Take This The
Wrong Way But..."
16. We Fail To Notice That The Toilet Lid's Down When We Sit On It.
17. Our Hugs Begin To Resemble Wrestling Take-down Moves.
18. We're Tired So We Just Sit On The Floor (Wherever We Happen To Be)
And Take A Quick Nap.
19. We Begin Leaving The Buttons Open On Our Button Fly Pants To Cut Down
On The Time We're In The Bathroom Away From Our Drink.
20. We Take Our Shoes Off Because We Believe It's Their Fault That We're
Having Problems Walking Straight.

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers,
one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green...........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what
your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're assholes!!" :laugh:

Fuel Station Scam
 

Thought you might share this with your friends.

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Shell gas station customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
purchasing gas

Simply going out to get a tank full has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you

Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are pumping gas.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Shell station.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So please be careful :laugh:

INDIAN ON A HORSE

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out of gas, and
an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally he drops her off with a final Yaaaaaaa Hooo and gallops off.
My god! says the gas station guy. "what the hell were you doing to that
injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "i just sat behind him with my arms around
him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles"!!

^^^ Hahahahahaha!!! :laugh:

lol thats a good one ;)
nice nice

Chris.

THE WHALES

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of
a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the
distance.

He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his
parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that
he wants to avenge the death of his parents.

She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the
vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this
all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both
start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock
back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the
deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the
ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors,
but the female whale starts to swim away.....

So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She
huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no
way I'm going to swallow seamen."

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them.


Chris.

THE ZOO

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless
with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on
with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the
free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom,
and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars
down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs. This drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a
headache".