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Old November 24th 2006, 01:37
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Glock Glock is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Burlington
Posts: 74
No matter how many times I read this I almost pee my pants!

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:


CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER

CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
______________________________________________
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________
CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the
beer.
______________________________________________
CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. barmaid is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had
given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really makes
me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those
rednecks!
______________________________
CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally,. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
____________________________________________
CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________

CHILI #8: LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
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