VERDICT:
All eight exhaust valves bent, $448, three intake valves in No. 1 cylinder bent, $78, hell knows what the guides look like
piston crowns are OK.
I determined that replacing the valves myself is outside of the limits of the tools at my disposal, and I would rather do it once, do it right, and NEVER have to do it again (to this car, anyways), so the head went to the machine shop this afternoon.