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Old August 30th 2006, 13:19
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Joke Thread.

I thought it might be a good idea to start a joke thread. Who doesn't need a good laugh at least once a day?

Here's a good one:


Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
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Old August 30th 2006, 13:38
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Ok, I'll bite...

Why can't you find elephants in the jungle?
















cos jungle is massive!!:agree:

What do you call a gay dinosuar?











Megasorearse!
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  #3  
Old August 30th 2006, 14:03
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I know I sent this one to someone a long time ago

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
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Old August 30th 2006, 15:49
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hehe nice ones

what do you call an omish guy with his hand in a horses A$$??










A Machanic
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Old August 30th 2006, 15:57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chug_A_bug
hehe nice ones

what do you call an omish guy with his hand in a horses A$$??










A Machanic


Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde
woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at
each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had
the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and
said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

>710<
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Old August 30th 2006, 17:45
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OH WOW!!! I can see myself getting into trouble with this thread! I mean, all the jokes I know are dirty!

Here's a SFW joke....

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."


If you want a really good laugh......Look at this one!
Chuck Norris

Last edited by ccain529; August 30th 2006 at 17:48.
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Old August 31st 2006, 11:02
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^^


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
Formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
Through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
See what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking At two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her Father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
Replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
Her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback mountain (expletive deleted) in our garden."

The Purina Diet
I have a dog. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.


Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
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Old August 31st 2006, 12:37
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Nice thread. Although most of my jokes are not as clean as others.

Who here likes Bob and Tom? HILARIOUS, if you've never heard of them, Check them out.

Here is a joke section on their website. http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/jokes1.htm Umm.. some are clean and some are not.
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Old August 31st 2006, 18:54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikey
Nice thread. Although most of my jokes are not as clean as others.

Who here likes Bob and Tom? HILARIOUS, if you've never heard of them, Check them out.

Here is a joke section on their website. http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/jokes1.htm Umm.. some are clean and some are not.
There are some awesome jokes on there!

This one is my favorite. I've heard it so many times but each time is just as funny as the 1st! :agree:

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, " Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping a man came up to him and said, " Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout counter he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his " barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, " When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady ( naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, " No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."
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Old September 1st 2006, 19:36
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^^^
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Old September 1st 2006, 21:31
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."



And Monty Python fans will rember this::agree:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ARGGGGGGG!!!
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Old September 2nd 2006, 09:13
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Scientists in Italy have discovered that a large number of the male population there have a penis that is no larger in size than 3" or less. To clarify this the Canadian Government has asked that those with this condition identify themselves by displaying a red, white and green flag when driving their cars during the month July.
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Old September 2nd 2006, 09:13
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0 to 200 in 4 seconds
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.



He wanted a new truck.She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
range.



"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."



For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom
scale.
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Old September 2nd 2006, 09:18
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Health plan


A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local
hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating.
>>>"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
>>>"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
>>>In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing
oral sex on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"

>>>The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
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Old September 2nd 2006, 09:19
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WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your
Mommy before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a
piece of ***."
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