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  #31  
Old November 30th 2006, 20:29
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THE NERDS

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers near San
Jose, California stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a
big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds,
serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I
thought nerds were in season."

Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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  #32  
Old December 4th 2006, 20:37
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When women drink....

1. We Have Absolutely No Idea Where Our Purse Is.
2. We Believe That Dancing With Our Arms Overhead And Wiggling Our Butt
While Yelling "woo-hoo!" Is Truly The Sexiest Dance Move Around.
3. We've Suddenly Decided We Want To Kick Someone's *** And Honestly
Believe We Can Do It.
4. On Our Last Trip To Pee, We Realize We Now Look More Like A Homeless
Hooker Than The Goddess We Were Just Four Hours Ago.
5. We Drop Our 3 AM Sandwich On The Floor (Which We're Eating Even Though We're Not The Least Bit Hungry), Pick It Up And Carry On Eating It.

6. We Start Crying And Telling Everyone We See That We Love Them Sooooo
Much.
7. We Get Extremely Excited And Jump Up And Down Every Time A New Song
Plays Because "Oh My God! We Love That Song!"
8. We've Found A Deeper/Spiritual Side To The Geek Sitting Next To Us.
9. The Man We're Flirting With Used To Be Our 5th Grade Teacher.
10. The Urge To Take Off Articles Of Clothing, Stand On A Table And Sing
Or Dance Becomes Strangely Overwhelming.
11. Our Eyes Just Don't Seem To Want To Stay Open On Their Own So We KeepThem Half Closed And Think It Looks Exotically Sexy.

12. We've Suddenly Taken Up Smoking And Become Really Good At It.
13. We Yell At The Bartender, Who (We Think) Cheated Us By Giving Us Just
Lemonade, But That's Just Because We Can No Longer Taste The Gin.
14. We Think We're In Bed, Even Though The Pillow Feels Strangely Like
The Kitchen Floor.
15. We Start Every Conversation With A Booming, "Don't Take This The
Wrong Way But..."
16. We Fail To Notice That The Toilet Lid's Down When We Sit On It.
17. Our Hugs Begin To Resemble Wrestling Take-down Moves.
18. We're Tired So We Just Sit On The Floor (Wherever We Happen To Be)
And Take A Quick Nap.
19. We Begin Leaving The Buttons Open On Our Button Fly Pants To Cut Down
On The Time We're In The Bathroom Away From Our Drink.
20. We Take Our Shoes Off Because We Believe It's Their Fault That We're
Having Problems Walking Straight.
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  #33  
Old December 13th 2006, 12:42
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers,
one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green...........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what
your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're assholes!!"
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  #34  
Old December 17th 2006, 16:59
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Location: Linthelles, France
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Fuel Station Scam

Thought you might share this with your friends.

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Shell gas station customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
purchasing gas

Simply going out to get a tank full has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you

Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are pumping gas.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Shell station.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So please be careful
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  #35  
Old December 27th 2006, 02:32
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INDIAN ON A HORSE

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out of gas, and
an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally he drops her off with a final Yaaaaaaa Hooo and gallops off.
My god! says the gas station guy. "what the hell were you doing to that
injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "i just sat behind him with my arms around
him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles"!!
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  #36  
Old December 28th 2006, 19:01
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^^^ Hahahahahaha!!!
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  #37  
Old December 28th 2006, 19:03
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lol thats a good one
nice nice

Chris.
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  #38  
Old January 13th 2007, 17:49
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THE WHALES

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of
a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the
distance.

He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his
parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that
he wants to avenge the death of his parents.

She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the
vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this
all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both
start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock
back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the
deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the
ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors,
but the female whale starts to swim away.....

So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She
huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no
way I'm going to swallow seamen."
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  #39  
Old January 16th 2007, 23:44
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A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them.


Chris.
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  #40  
Old January 17th 2007, 10:30
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THE ZOO

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless
with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on
with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the
free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom,
and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars
down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs. This drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a
headache".
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  #41  
Old January 27th 2007, 23:05
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DOCTOR’S VISIT

Sarah had her mother staying with her in town to get some various
physical checkups. Her mom had bad eyesight so Sarah volunteered to
drive her to the doctors offices.

Tuesday was her appointment with the Gynecologist so she went into
Sarah's bathroom to take a shower. She got out, toweled off and
noticed in Sarah's medicine cabinet a can of feminine deodorant spray.
She'd never used such a thing but thought that she'd try it since she'd
be spread eagle on the examining table and was a little self conscious
about possible odor. She gave herself a couple of puffs and got dressed.

When she had her feet in the stirrups and the doctor had positioned
himself appropriately, he chuckled and said, "my, my, Mrs Friedman,
aren't we all prettied up today?"

Naturally, Sarah's mother was mortified, could not speak a word and
hurried out of the office when the appointment was over.
She was still beet red when she and Sarah arrived back home, and Sarah
finally asked what was the matter.
Mom said "Oh honey, I'm just so embarrassed" and related the doctor's
comment. "I don't know what he must have thought....all I had done was
use a little of your feminine deodorant spray!"

"But Mom, I don't have any feminine deodorant spray" said Sarah.
"Oh yes you do, dear, come and see", said her mom and lead her into the
bathroom, opened the cabinet and lifted out the infamous spray bottle.
"Oh, no Mom!" Sarah exclaimed. "You weren't wearing your glasses, were
you? That's HAIR SPRAY with GLITTER!"
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  #42  
Old January 30th 2007, 15:15
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Canadians in Hell

Two guys from Sudbury die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil
stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and
toques warming themse lves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What
are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys.
He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wai ling and screaming
everywhere.
He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Sudbury so we've just got to have a cook-out when the
weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with
the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up
and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The two Canadians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?
If hell freezes over,
it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!!"
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  #43  
Old February 1st 2007, 21:28
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DRUGSTORE CLERK

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his
last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said,
pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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  #44  
Old March 20th 2007, 17:14
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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  #45  
Old March 29th 2007, 02:44
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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